The Twenty-Ninth Year - 2008

As I go back and look at the thousands of pictures I have that document just the last few years of my life I'm amazed. It difficult to view my life as my own anymore - in fact it's impossible. The majority of pictures I have are of my wife and children - okay, mostly Ellery, and much of these last few years have been relatively well documented in previous blogs; post by myself and Millie.

As I was talking with JoLynn today she mentioned something I had been thinking, and even originally set out to do when I started this recent run of blogs - to document my thoughts, feelings and maybe even emotions of the events I've experienced; things that even the best photos just can't capture and convey.

In my (futile) haste to finish some of my blogs recently, I failed to record (or fully record) some of the biggest events of my life. One of those events was the morning of September 11, 2001. The date lives in infamy for all - never to be forgotten for sure. Perhaps the events of that day did not impact me quite as bad (or at least the same way) as it did for some. Not to say the events were not tragic to me or caused me great sadness - but rather, I can not compare myself, or how it impacted me, to how it impacted the lives of those who were there, the families of lost loved ones, or those that had visited or held a special place in their hearts for the city of New York, its people and those buildings.

I woke up the morning of 9/11 and started to get ready for work. I was living with Bret and Tevia at the time and Tevia turned on the news - Good Morning America, I believe. The first plane had hit the first tower just moments before, there it was the unforgettable image of black billowing smoke rising from the WTC. I was in absolute shock, but I'm sure it didn't compare to Tevia's emotions. I think she started to cry - Bret was from New York and they had just recently been back to visit (and went to the towers) the year before. I remember wondering what could have caused the plane to hit the building in the first place - the news was still speculating on it, terrorism was an idea but not confirmed. Everything seemed so unreal to me. I sat there unable to peel my eyes from the images on the screen - only half hearing what was even being said. Before I knew it, in the corner of the camera's view the second plane hit the other tower - there was no more doubt - terrorists. My heart sunk. I have a graphic imagination, perhaps too graphic at times - one I usually just keep to myself - I could envision the hundreds of people who were on that plane and in the building where it hit - their lives instantly ending. I continued to sit in unbelief of what I was seeing, and worse, what I was imagining. I called into work - told them I wasn't coming in - and sat there the rest of the day watching, almost unblinkingly, the replays, images and speculations on the TV.

News reports came in of the plane crash in Pennsylvania and another hitting the Pentagon. Was this real? Could this be happening to the country I grew to love during my recent time in Ecuador? And again, the images in my mind of the people who were there, on the planes, in the buildings, or on the ground below.

My heart continued to sink even deeper as the towers came down one by one - knowing crews of firefighters (just like my dad and uncles) were in there. Even now, I get teary eyed thinking of those that so unselfishly gave their lives in the line of duty.

I couldn't stop watching. I couldn't stop playing out the events in my head, in my mind's eye, seeing what it might have been like to be inside and thinking about what I would do in their situation.

I think many people questioned God that day; questioned His existence, His love, His plan, His willingness to let THAT happen - but not me. Not once did I think, why? Not once did I wonder where would be His justice, and where is His mercy.

All my life I was taught, and came to believe (and realize) for myself, that God does not typically intervene in the decisions and agency of man. This was simply one of those times. "Simply" - what other word can I use? I had just spent almost the entire day envisioning the events from the eyes of those directly impacted. Despite my deep empathy for everyone involved, I remained unchanged in feeling almost nothing but acceptance, and even gratitude, towards God and His choice to allow all men their agency - agency that is eternally tied to inescapable consequences. And yes, some consequences that I have had the unfortunate displeasure of knowing first hand.



Memorial Day 2008, just like every Memorial Day before and since joining the Roper family, we each put together bouquets of flowers from the yard to take to the Provo cemetery. But even the simple act of placing flowers on the graves of relatives turns into a competition in this family. Who can make to prettiest bouquet. Unfortunately, when the judges are the competitors a clear winner is rarely crowned - as far as I was concerned I never lost.

Bret and Tevs came up to visit with their boys that month too. Millie and I were still living in Pleasant Grove at the time. As one of our activities, to prevent a day of just sitting around staring at and talking to each other (which Millie really does not like) we decided to go to the dinosaur museum at Thanksgiving Point. I think everyone enjoyed it. Ellery had just turned a year old was just at that stage of really starting to interact with her surroundings. It was a lot of fun and I wish it didn't cost so much because I would like to take her more often.

In June, Brandon officially joined the family by marrying Katie, Millie's older sister. Although Brandon and I don't have tons of interests in common, I was super excited to have him finally officially in the family, and why not, he had been around much longer than me. The added bonus, we both finally had someone who got each others Dumb and Dumber quotes! There were times, during the wedding day, that a part of me was a little jealous - they were having the wedding that every LDS couple, and really EVERY couple should, aspire to, and I could tell Mom and Dad (Kim and Rhonda) were just as excited as (maybe even more than) the bride and groom. I have to admit, there was a part of me that kept hating myself that day as I looked at what I deprived Millie of. She deserved a wedding like that - granted, ours was MUCH less stressful than Katie and Brandon's, but still, all my life I looked forward to my wedding day, stress and everything that comes with it. We didn't have that. To combat my selfish feelings I did everything I could to help make their day less stressful.

I love the Fourth of July with Millie's family. The previous year (2007) we sold pies at the Freedom Festival to raise money for our upcoming family trip to Mexico. Kim planned the heck out of that event - in his signature style of planning - and we ended up not doing too well. Lost money in fact, I think. But the experience was GREAT. I was even willing to do it again this year (2008) - but apparently, I was the only one, and instead we spent the fourth enjoying the festivities as spectators. We went to one of the Provo Canyon parks and the kids played in the river. Ellery sat in the freezing water (yes, the Provo River is freezing, even in July) and she didn't even flinch at the cold. Her diaper swelled right up and caught her interest - she was such a funny baby. We spent the night of the fourth letting off fireworks at Millie's parent's with her uncle Paul and his family. Millie kept worrying I was going to blow myself up.

That July we (Kim and I) started the big kitchen remodel. Kim spent months planning out the new kitchen, it desperately needed to grow to keep up with the family. Finally, July 11, 2008 we started the project by busting out the concrete patio in the back yard to make way for the addition. By October, we were basically done. I loved, and still love, working with my father-in-law. It reminds me of working with my dad when I was younger. The harder the work the more I like it. Most of the time I'm working with Kim I think about how much fun it'll be to do some of the same projects on my own home someday. I've learned a lot from him - sure my dad taught me how to work, work hard, but Kim has really taught me how to plan through projects and direct my work ethic to be more efficient.

July was a BUSY month. At the end of July we went to AZ and Mexico (Rocky Point) with my family for my mom's birthday. It was a great trip. We drove the entire way down and back, but Ellery did great and we enjoyed the time with my family. We were able to stay in the home of a friend of my parents - it was just about a mile from the beach. On our way into town (Rocky Point) my dad ran a stop sign right in front of a Mexican police car. Yes, he got pulled over. Fortunately 95 percent of his wardrobe consists of EMT and Firefighter T-shirts and the cop recognized he was a firefighter so he let him go with a warning - I don't think it hurt that my dad speaks Spanish. I think it was a good birthday for my mom. It seems in these later years of my life that she wants nothing more than to have her kids around - even me sometimes. We spent most of our time playing on the beach body surfing and boogie boarding and of course sitting and talking. and I can't forget eating at Mexican food vendors. We ate a small taco stand one night, got real fruit paletas at another (every night) and we ate at a chicken restaurant that made Bret pretty much pee his pants with excitement - I have to admit, it was dang good, make my mouth water just thinking about it. We walked the boardwalk and just enjoyed our time together. It really was a great family trip. Except when Millie got sick on the home.

We spent August keeping cool by going to Seven Peaks (season passes) and also down to Mona (Burraston Pond) to swim and swing on the rope swing. We went with Jeremy and Abbie and although I was a little bit afraid to go from the higher platforms, I could never let on that I was - since Jeremy was doing it I HAD to too. Later I felt like I would have been an even bigger wimp if I didn't go when I saw little twelve or fourteen year old girls going from the high platforms. Sometimes, I think that pond was even more fun than Seven Peaks, if for no other reason, no lines. August was also when we hiked Timpanogos Caves. Ellery was too young to remember - or be afraid, I think we need to do it again this year. While we were in the cave a lady offered to take a picture of us (on her camera - because she had a really nice one) and she said she would email it to us. I gave her my email, but we never did get it.

September we went to the State Fair. I like going to the fair. Makes me feel better about myself - less white trash than most everyone else there at least. Plus, Ellery liked to see the animals. We never spent any extra money while we're there, but it is always fun to go out and do something different with the family.

October was a month we waited for for years to come. Like I said, my father-in-law is a master planner, he could plan a horse to death... whatever that means. He had been planning the family trip to Mexico (the Mayan Riviera) since before I joined the family I think. We went down and stayed at the Iberostar just outside of Playa del Carmen - actually it was about halfway between Playa and Cancun. It was an amazing trip. We went to Tulum and the beach, ate all-you-can-eat until we couldn't eat anymore (not the best food, but edible). We even planned an excursion to Chitzen Itza. The day before we were supposed to go to Chitzen Itza I got WAY sick. I told everyone to just go without me and I would stay in the hotel and rest. Millie refused to go with everyone else and stayed with me. Probably best she did that. She forced me to see the resort doctor who in turn referred me to the hospital. By the time I got there (by cab) I couldn't even stand in the ER. I was so dehydrated that I could almost feel myself leaving my body... maybe it was the drugs they gave me in my IV. I remember laying on the ER "bed" and the doctors asking me questions but I couldn't respond. I think I saw Millie's face (with Ellery in her arms) in the corner of my eye and I thought, "I can't leave her like this." But at the same time I didn't feel it was up to me, and I felt fine with it. A few IV boluses later, I got my senses back. They admitted me to the hospital for "observation" and $2500 and one day later, we headed back to the resort. Kim and Rhonda offered to pay for Millie and I to go on a Chitzen Itza excursion the next day, but I know how much it would have cost to book last minute and for just two people - so I decided it would just be incentive for Millie and I to make a trip down again someday. The next day we went snorkeling across the bay off of Cozumel. The Ferry ride over was SO choppy, pretty much everyone got sick. Ellery threw up several times - ever since then she has been very prone to motion sickness, even in the car, and she's never been that great of a traveler since either. But the trip was all worth it.

Shortly after we got back and returned to our daily routine our lives were shaken - looking back now, probably for the best. One afternoon Millie headed to work and I went to class. It was a Wednesday, back then Millie worked pretty much every Wednesday and I had class until 8pm. Millie's parents watched Ellery. This Wednesday I happened to get out of class early. I swung by the Roper's to pick up Ellery and I headed home. I pulled into the garage and got Ellery out, just a normal everyday thing. This time, however, when I went inside the house from the garage something was different. The lights were on for one, my first thought was Millie left the lights on, again. but then I heard a noise just around the wall inside the living room. I froze. Absolutely froze. I tightened my hold on Ellery preparing to bolt back into the garage to duck bullets, or blunt objects or a wild animal - who knows what, but my mind was racing as I envisioned the possibilities. Just then I noticed the homeowner's HUGE safe was not against the wall where it normally stood and I ruled out the now welcome possibility of a wild animal being in the house. Once again my imagination started to roll out the worst scenario - I could just see a couple of armed men come around the corner and put a bullet through my head, leaving me to drop limply to the tile floor I was fixed to. I could see my lifeless self as Ellery cried out not understanding what had just happened and left all alone as the men ran out of the house. Ellery would be left there, crying, next to my lifeless body in a pool of blood until Millie came home from work the next morning. I could see it all play out, all for the worst. Fortunately, the people who broke in were true cowards and they fled out the front door. As soon as I heard the door shut I felt my self unfreeze, just enough to pull my phone out of my pocket and dial 911. I went back into the garage and waited for an officer to arrive. He cleared the house and asked me to come in to help assess the damage and what was taken, if anything. I called the homeowner (who was living in Hawaii) to inform her of what just happened. She was always a frazzled person to begin with and this made dealing with her even worse - I hated giving her bad news. By this point, all of her animals, except her horse, had died. As old and decrepid as they were they had been living on borrowed time for the last five or six years, but there comes a point when all the doggy meds in the world can't keep a pet alive. I'm sure in her eyes those 18+ year old dogs were as healthy as an ox when she left and I'm sure she blamed us for killing them. Perhaps she's just a crazy old b**** who has to find someone, anyone, to blame for anything that goes wrong in her life, but whatever it was, she hopped on a flight that night and came back to UT to see for herself. When she arrived, I did everything I could to comfort her for the condition the intruders left her house - yes it was her house, but for the last two years, it was our HOME. She went through all of her belongings, all her "stuff" that she loved enough to pack in a giant safe and leave in Utah, but didn't seem to need it bad enough to take to her new home in Hawaii. That safe was full of sports memorabilia (her husband played for the Oakland Raiders) and it had guns, and jewelery, and art, and coins, and documents, and it was just packed to the gills with crap. After going through everything, piece by piece, she determined not a thing was stolen. Although the intruders had the safe partly cracked (and it only took the cops another 30 seconds to finish popping it open) they didn't even get a hand inside to take a single thing. Instead of being grateful that nothing was taken the homeowner turned on me and my family. She blamed us for the break in. She went off the handle about Ellery living in her home because she "wasn't in the contract" we signed when we moved it. It was 11pm and Mary, the homeowner, told Millie and I we had to get Ellery out of the house, that she couldn't be there anymore. I had Millie take Ellery to her parent's house and I told Mary, we'll be moved out by tomorrow. That night I spent the entire night packing and moving our stuff to Millie's parent's. The next morning her dad and our brothers-in-law came to help with the last of it. Mary didn't like how Rob, one of my brothers-in-law, looked at her and she called the cops. The psycho called the cops. I tried to keep everyone calm, to this day I have no idea why I still tried to comfort Mary, I can't believe I actually was empathetic towards her, I held her as she sobbed for her precious (dilapidated) house even as she kicked us out in the same breath... why the hell did I care what she was going through? I may never understand. But the ungrateful selfish evil woman will probably never know, and will definitely never understand, what me and my family went thought that week, it was all about her and her damn "stuff." The worst part of it was, the next week I had a meeting scheduled with my stake president to be re-baptized and get my membership back in the church. When we moved, the new stake in Provo refused to even consider looking at my records from Salt Lake and refused to "deal" with my reinstatement. So much time and effort - for lack of a better word - wasted.

I don't think I've ever expressed, especially not in writing, what I went through that week and how I felt about her. There isn't another human being on earth that is as heartless and selfish and evil as her - and the sickest part of it all, she still considers herself some sort of saint for "letting" us pay to take care of (and make improvements on) her house the previous two years. It always sickened me to think about how long the people who broke in must have been surveying the home to know the safe was there and what mine and Millie's schedule was. And some days, I can't help but wonder, what if I hadn't come home early from school that day? What if they had come while we were in Mexico just the week before? Not only would I have gotten to miss the terror of walking in on them with Ellery in my arms, but Mary would have lost all her precious crap that she holds so much more dearer than human life.